Skyler Montgomery

Skyler Montgomery, under presidential ordering and bossing around, invented the Two Dog Night Light, the most powerful laser ever, that freezes anything it's pointed at. Popularly called the Brrrrr-Beam. A freeze ray, okay? An elite crack team of astronauts are tasked with launching the Two Dog Night Light into orbit and firing the damn thing at the moon, to cool down the moon. To cool down the moon. Logic suggests that a cooler moon means less moon heat, and less global warming. See the sad state of affairs inherited 50 years hence from the Trump administration?

Meanwhile, Marion Joseph, a heroin addict with a heart of gold and a miserable cashier at an In-n-Out-Quickie-Chick-Kum-n-Go chicken burger gas station condum supply franchise in Austin, Texas is tormented daily by Ignatius, his heroin dealer, who also happens to be a bona fide demon from hell! Poor Marion.

Purl Asheblaque, a lone gunslinging grunge wizard, roams the empty wastes between dimensions throughout eternity, waiting for a worthy cause to defend, or maybe just the odd heroin dealing demon to slay.

Oh yeah. The newly annexed state of Baja California isn't thrilled to be the USA's brand new red headed step child.

Georgia secedes as the Soviet Confederate State of Georgia and emerges as a brand new superpower, and American Civil War part two ensues.

During all of this insanity, DickJackson Jones - the commander of the moon laser shuttle - calls bullshit and hauls ass to Mars with the ice box laser. He's got terrible migraines and keeps dreaming about Mars. Smoke signals of peace, poofing out of Olympus Mons. Gotta get to Mars, post haste.

Oh shit. I forgot about Bobby Kay Rudolph, the American physicist who opened up a doorway to a really bad place, by being really drunk and then smashing anti-martinis together at light speed in the Great Big Giant Hadron Collider. Enter Cannibalus the Starvling, Dark Lord and Emperor of the Infinite Realm of the Far Flung Hunger. Oh boy, the universe might be truly ef'd now.

Wait, there's more. The there's a button on Mars that resets the universe from scratch by collapsing the precarious balance of reality by tipsing torward the more natural state of a false vacuum. And Purl Asheblaque still has to duke it out with Ignatius. Oh shit, yeah... and Monstah Boy has the DMT trip that not only summons the gunslinging grunge wizard, but also forms a dimensional rift into the Far Flung Hunger that's stuck whirling at light speed in the Hadron Collider.

And what about Cannibalus the Starvling? He's got it in for us, REAL BAD.

Holy shit. How's it all gonna turn out?

Oh yeah. I forgot to mention the most important characters... two highly intelligent African Gray Parrots, Twit and Twat, who are constantly bumbling their way through the storyline via Deus ex Machina.

The are shitloads more characters, like Mung Bean for instance, the British astrophysicist who won the Nobel Food Prize for splitting the ham-burger.

But I don't wanna give it all away.