Very Early Introduction

The Nonplussed
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An Introduction
by
Anon
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     Hi!

I don't have a name, but you can think of me as Storyteller, because that's what I do. What kind of stories do I tell, you might be wondering? Well, true stories would probably be the most basic way to describe them. Whoops... hold that thought! I know what you're probably thinking, and the most basic way to describe the stories I tell would be, ah... biographies. Kinda, except I don't tell the stories of single individuals, I tell the stories of entire civilizations. Maybe 'historical accounts' would be more accurate?

     Ok, here it is... the purpose I've tasked myself with is the preservation of the memory eternal of Universal Civilization, which means learning as much as I can of the stories of every civilization that exists or has ever existed, and recording those stories for posterity... but as stories, as opposed to a simple recitation of facts.

     Now you're probably wondering where I get my source material. Right? You were wondering that. That's natural, you're fine. Well, mostly I just take what a civilization has already recorded as their own history and use my own words to turn it into a story that's way more interesting. Don't worry, nobody cares. A lot of these civilizations are already dead, you know.

     Ok, now that that's been explained, first things first. What follows is the true story of a recently discovered civilization of uniquely intelligent creatures, known to themselves (mostly) as humans. That's just the most common word they use for self reference as a species. There are many, many, many more, a few of which are:

Humanity, humankind, human beings, homo sapiens, terrans, earthlings, dirtlings, earthmen, man, men, mankind, the people, the folk, the fallen, all God's children, children of Adam, children of Cain, children of Abraham, children of Sol, children of the Sun, the Earth's gonads, hairless apes, cro-magnons, neanderthals, homo-erectus, homo-habilus, homos, troglodytes, super simians, mighty mammals, carbon units, ugly bags of mostly water, mostly harmless, the nonplussed, and dozens more names for their collective selves in even more dozens of different languages. Isn't that strange? Well, they're a strange race, as you'll soon discover for yourself if you choose to continue reading.

     By the way. This is a story about humans, of humans and for humans, so If you're reading this and you're not human then it probably won't make any sense to you at all. You can still read it if you want to, though. Maybe you'll like it, who knows... but I doubt it. You'll probably just want to file it away somewhere and get on with your totally gross and disgusting alien business. That's probably what a human would say.

     However! If you're human - and I really hope that you are - then I recommend that you continue reading, because this is YOUR story! It's all about human beings, just like you... smart, retarded, hilarious, insane, evil, benevolent, funny looking, socially inept, miserable, deliriously happy, beautiful, disgusting people. Plus, a few really exceptional ones thrown in here and there. Statistical anomalies, you know. And a couple of parrots.

     You may be wondering (if you're human)... what right do I have to tell your story? If you're that disgusting alien again, this isn't your story so shut up. I've read your story and it's disgusting. Go bother what's his face, he's the one who had the stomach and the will to actually write your disgusting story. If I were a human, I mean, that's what I would have said. That's what a human would have said.

     Anyway, sorry about that, human sir or miss. The reason why I have a right to tell your story is because I discovered it, and having been the one of my kind who discovered it, I'm now obligated to tell it, because a story exists to be told, and I'm a Storyteller with a capital S. Logical, no? Plus, it's just a stroke of luck that your story happens to suit my preferred telling style, because I'm naturally inclined to look at things from an angle of absurdity. And you guys... well. What can I say? I love you guys.

     I really hope there are some humans around to hear this; your story. It would be a crying shame if it turned out that, after all of this, your civilization never made it across the threshold, because your species is truly a rare gem. An idiot savant civilization, to borrow one of your metaphors, and a brightly shining diamond in a galaxy filled mostly with toys and trinkets. I often wonder if a species like yours can ever truly understand its worth as it takes that purposeful step over the threshold and into oblivion, laughing all the way... you know, I just can't stress it enough, how rare a phenomenon it is that you and yours represent. I truly hope you've survived, and I say that with all seriousness, and against my better judgement.

     You're also probably wondering (if you're human) just what the heck is up with that threshold I've mentioned two or three times now. To all of the disgusting aliens following along with my narrative... stop interrupting! Everybody knows that you all survived your own disgusting thresholds, and I'm not sorry to say that I'm sorry that you did! So either shut up and listen, or go fuck off and die! That's the last time I'm gonna tell you all.

     I'm sorry, humans, for cursing. Those damn aliens... please allow me to continue. You see, the thing with the threshold is... well, it's like a... a point of no return, or more like a line of no return. No... well. I mean, yeah. Those are metaphors - the point and the line - meaning a crucial place in your own story where the collective mentality of your entire species loses its mind. Goes insane, you know. Don't worry, it happens to every intelligent species throughout the universe that develops a technological civilization. It's natural, see. It's just that it's so... odd, that you guys made it so far as a civilization that you became capable of going insane. It's rare, as I've said, and even rarer with an idiot savant civilization, like yours. You're the rarest of civilizations. Do you understand now how you make the galaxy shine? We all love you and we're rooting for you! We just hope you didn't fuck it all up at the threshold.

     So! Are you (if you're human) ready to embark upon a fast and furious adventure filled with action and intrigue, festooned with heroic deeds of derring-do, performed by the common man against withering odds? An adventure that's definitely going to end in tears for everyone? If you're human, then the culmination of your story either begins here or ends here - at the threshold. If you're still that disgusting alien, then just go away already.

     Once again, please accept my apologies. If you're human and you've survived long enough to be reading this, then hopefully you'll already understand that the universe is filled mostly with disgusting aliens. So sayeth would the human.
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I lied. I dunno why... I do have a name. It's Richard.